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In my last word post I was really dedicating myself to get back on track in my walk with the Lord. In the last few weeks i've started attending a Bible study that follows along with the weekly sermons at our church. And I've slowly started doing my daily quiet time that's either working on my prayer journal or simply reading the Bible. I tried doing a structured plan but it just did not work for me. Possibly this summer when my work schedule is less hectic but for now i'm really enjoying my simple daily moments to stop, slow down and focus on Christ. Progress people! I'm pretty happy about it. And I'm very excited to see how that quiet time is going to evolve over the next few months.

Recently my pastor gave  a sermon on the barriers keeping us from our walk with Christ.  The examples he used were pretty basic. Worldly desires, Greed, Rage. Nothing new. And the sermon was actually very similar to one i'd heard before as a teenager. He used a parable from Mark 4:1-34 and it's a very straight forward message. But what I love about his take is that as christians we still have barriers to break down. That it doesn't matter if you're already saved, you still should actively search and faithfully work on your heart.
For me the message hit close to home and I felt like it was precisely what I needed to hear that day, in that moment of my life.  But, even though I thought it was an awesome sermon I found it difficult to pinpoint my barriers. The "thorns" in my heart that keep me from reaching my goals. Then my Bible study leader challenged me to dig deep and really meditate on the biggest barrier for me personally. To be honest I struggled with this. I could tell you a hundred things that are getting in the way of my walk, but finding a root cause of these barriers was super challenging. Like i'm a workaholic, perfectionist, I never take time for myself because I'm too focused on everything else. But finding the why was hard. Why am I compelled to work too much? What is driving me to strive for constant perfection. What is the root cause of my thorn?
After seriously struggling for days after my Bible study meeting it finally clicked.  My leader suggested that I search Bible verses and find one verse that resonated with my specific barrier. Since I couldn't figure out what my barrier was I meditated on verses that seemed close. While searching for verses on feeling overwhelmed, I came across Romans 5:8 in a pinterest board and it just clicked. My barrier is self worth. I feel the constant need to prove myself. Prove that I'm good enough. That i'm worthy. Not just of Christ but of everything in my life. The actual verse is While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  How great is God that he sent his one and only son to die on the cross for the unworthy? Because that's the thing, not one of us deserves his love. Not one of us earned it. Jesus paid a debt he did not owe. To be Christian is not to be perfect. It's not to earn your salvation. It's not to be worthy. It's to be broken, unworthy, and still redeemed. That is God's grace. 
Why then am I constantly struggling to be worthy? To be perfect? It's not only self harming but it's keeping me from Christ.
Discovering my barrier was a cool break through. But breaking down that barrier is not going to be easy. I wrote out "I loved you at your darkest" and put it on my wall so it's one of the first things I see when I wake up. Hopefully the reminder will help me slow down and focus on that truth every time I get ahead of myself. One day at a time. But i'm excited for progress.

xo  Sam